They Came. You Met. You Ran Away.

This guy should be forced to sit with the matchmaking aunties. In fact, scratch that…I think he would rather enjoy their company! He staunchly believes that since you are still single, there has to be a “defect” in you and that his proposal which is sent via one of his matchmaking aunty buddies is something that you should do a two Rak’at Namaz of Shukr for. Puhleease

With the marriage season coming up, some of us are blessed to tie the knot with that perfect guy. Others of us, however, will spend another several months screening and rejecting a vast plethora of gentlemen. For all my sisters who have been or are going through the process, here is a summary of the more interesting samples of the male specimen we encounter:

Napoleon

We have all heard about Napoleon. Well, he died, but his spirit lives on amongst millions of men. It’s used by men who try to overcompensate for a lack of something else – weight, looks, money, even hair! You can spot one by the way he swaggers across the room or, worse, by the cloud of cologne around him to compensate for clean armpits.

Mr. America/UK/Any Other Developed Country that Provides IMF Loans to Yours

You know you’ve met one when his every sentence begins with “You know, in America…”, “In the UK…”, “My apartment in Canada…” If his redundant sentence structure has still not turned you off yet, introduce him to “Indian style” toilets, and let’s see if he is adaptable to change.

Green Card

There is nothing wrong with marrying someone you like and trust, and if she has a Green card, it’s a plus. But come on! It gets a little lame when instead of asking for your A.S.L. (remember the good ole days?), he wants to know everything about your Green card. He had no interest in your life before the “G”; in fact, he’d rather tie the knot with the G if he could.

The Rebound Guy

His engagement just broke, and he’s depressed. His family thinks another girl would be just the remedy. (Go figure!) Two things can happen in this situation:

a. You talk and you figure out he’s sad and needs someone to listen to him. At least we have our girl friends to talk to, but guys are pretty uptight about stuff like this. Maybe after a few free therapy sessions, he actually appreciates your thoughtfulness and things work out.

b. He starts comparing everything between the skies and the earth between his ex and you. In this situation…runnnn, baby, run! Remember that Friends episode when Ross made a list and started comparing Rachel with his ex? Exactly!

Mr. Angelina Jolie

Ya Allah! This fool is worse than Napoleon and needs a reality check. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have wonderful online conversations filled with smiley faces and loads of winks and nudges. Pictures are exchanged and BAM! Suddenly boy’s online status is always Away on messenger. What did he expect, Jolie? She looks better with Pitt.

Haram Police

Religion is the #1 factor for many of us when we are looking for the right person, i.e. someone that works with you towards becoming that better person. But it kinda starts getting irritating when he thinks he’s got unilateral access to God’s 411 line. Seriously! God did not put us on Earth to punish us, and He created everything for us to enjoy in a Halal manner. So what’s up with the Haram label on everything?

Cultural Ambassador to the World

Culture is good. We all are 100 percent for culture – in MODERATION! This guy should become friends with Mr. Religiosity, and maybe they can rub off on each other. His bio-data indicates is a REM Muslim –you will only see him during Ramadan, Eid, and Muharram. Oh, and when there is free Biryani at mosque. His Facebook is filled with pictures from “Desi Night” and “Dabka Weekend”.

The Bachelor

Why even try with this fool? He is a confirmed bachelor who is only talking to you to pass time, or he got pressured to do so by his family. You might think you are “The One” to change him, but honey, do you even want to go through the hassle of heartache and indigestion? The butterflies that you get in your tummy whenever you chat with him is just a way of your stomach telling you it’s hungry, and a few samosas with some mango lassi should resolve that.

God’s Gift to You

This guy should be forced to sit with the matchmaking aunties. In fact, scratch that…I think he would rather enjoy their company! He staunchly believes that since you are still single, there has to be a “defect” in you and that his proposal which is sent via one of his matchmaking aunty buddies is something that you should do a two Rak’at Namaz of Shukr for. Puhleease!