The 15-Layer Hijab: Toucan Sam called, he wants his colors back. Here's a question: how many differently-colored Hijab pieces can you wear under your shawl? Five? Ten? Fifteen? I've never been able to appreciate this style that cannot go away quickly enough. If you have the Hijab on, and assuming it matches your clothes, why the need for all the colored under-pieces?
Makeup-Gone-Seriously-Wrong Hijab: What did your first grade art teacher say about those Crayola Crayons? Exactly. Unless you're auditioning to play the clown in Stephen King's It or to become Heath Ledger's successor, you don't really need to paint your face so much before stepping out of the house. The rulings on makeup by various scholars have been selectively read, and as a result, we have so many people suffering from OMS: Obsessive Makeup Syndrome.
Emo Hijab: Remember, you're trying to stand out, but you don't care about how you look. This calls for wearing your older brother's Ohio State hoodie, along with plaid pajama pants. The look also requires jet black nail polish and a black Hijab that will coincidentally match the rest of the look. You simply use this style of clothing to speak out against that terrible middle class suburban life you have to live.
Pirate Hijab: Paging Captain Hook and Captain Morgan: some Hijabi sister stole your pirate bandanna. Again, I fail to see the logical functionality of tying something on top of your scarf that looks like it's from Pirates of the Caribbean. Do however let us know where Treasure Island is located.
Aviator Hijab: I must've missed the memo for this fashion. In order to effectively dress like an aviator, you will need hugely over-sized pink aviator sunglasses. Next step is placing your pants inside black boots that are at least six inches above your knees. Lastly, go to the nearest Salvation Army outlet and purchase a brown leather jacket from the World War II era.
Safety Hazard Hijab: Hijab was sent as a protection for females. Except these days, some variations of the Hijab can be classified as potentially quite dangerous to public health. An excessive amount of sharp and shiny pins can easily do an innocent passerby in. Also, wearing overly-glittery headscarves can severely blind fellow drivers on the road, so please be considerate of others and limit yourself to public transport.
Keffiyah Hijab: You aren't Palestinian; however, you religiously wear the Keffiyah along with some skinny jeans and a hot pink shirt. No one said the Keffiyah was limited to one nationality, but why butcher something so symbolic? Adding insult to injury, you own a few pink Keffiyahs to match your fluorescent pink wardrobe.
MTV Hijab: Last and maybe least (Islamic, that is) is the MTV Hijab. This one honestly makes me nauseous. This look is made by wearing strapless tank tops with a white undershirt in order to make it more "Islamic". It also involves wearing a form-fitting dress from Forever 21, again with a white undershirt, skinny jeans, and, don't forget: a Hijab. This category is the most liberal, and fashionable, so basically whatever washed-out celebrities are wearing, you can wear too! Just wear an undershirt or jacket over the clothing.
EDITOR'S NOTE: No Hijabis were hurt during the writing of this article.